Here, have a yogurt

Perhaps not the quirkiest, or funniest piece, but today a man came in, and passed out in our waiting room. We rushed him back, rapidly got vitals, blood sugar levels, a history, etc. while trying to diagnose what was wrong with him. Ambulances and Firetrucks soon pulled up, but not before this jewel.

Me: Sir, when was the last time you ate?
Mr. Hungry: I haven't eaten since Saturday... [it's now Wednesday afternoon]
Me: Ok... and have you had anything to drink recently?
Mr. Hungry: Yes... I had 4 beers last night. And 3 beers the night before.

Case solved? Who knows, at that point he was whisked away. But not before we gave him a yogurt and a cup of water.

Lawnmower Boy

LB is a 37 year old male, from Milton. (Author's Note: Milton should be a tip off that there is something seriously wrong with this man. Possibly involving his cousin-dad or his grandparents being the same people.) He presented with an acute laceration to his right index and middle fingers nearly severing them at the proximal interphalangeal (PIP). He had been mowing his lawn for the last time in the year and decided to clean his lawn mower with it running. He reached in, dug around a little, and then probably screamed like a little girl as the blades nearly severed his hand into 3 pieces.

One very common question to check up on with this kind of wound is how up to date their tetanus vaccination was, and that conversation went something like this:

Me: Ok LB, do you know when the last time you were vaccinated for tetanus was?
LB: Hmmm... I don't rightly know... Would they have done it when I did this 2 years ago?

At this point LB holds up his left hand, on which the 2nd and 3rd fingers have been removed at the PIP.

Me: Yes... yes they would have. Let me just check your hospital records on that...

Fast forward 5 minutes, and what does the HPI show? He had a lawn mower accident resulting in the loss of the two fingers on his left hand. Luckily for him, I believe the orthopedic surgeon was able to save these two fingers... for now. I hope nobody buys him a Cuisinart for Christmas. He just might think it's a hat.

The Man Who Wouldn't Go

Entering the world of professional drug testing is a daunting undertaking. First, you must undertake obtaining a degree from a highly competitive, world renowned, 4 year institution. Then, you must learn how to pour pee into little cups without getting any on you. The latter step is all you really will ever need.

Within this high stakes world of professional piss collectors, we have some industry jargon that you should all be familiar with. If say a patient is unable to provide enough pee into said cup, it is demarcated as "QNS" for Quantity Not Sufficient. This is a frequent occurrence, resulting in a speedy dispatch to the waiting room, several glasses of water, some coffee, some more coffee, and soon a burning desire to piss in a cup. Rarely does one record two QNS's in a row.

Enter The Man Who Wouldn't Go. Paruresis. This interesting condition provides a bit of a conundrum to the drug testing world. If you must be observed giving a urine sample... and you have a severe psychological condition which prevents you from going in the real or imaginary presence of others... just what do you do? In TMWWG's case, drink more coffee. 2 hours, 4 cups of coffee, and 8 glasses of water later, along with a guttural moan that sounded like a gorilla orgasming, TMWWG managed the impossible; he peed in a cup. I made sure to write down the exact time and date and sign an affidavit saying I was there to witness it.