The Man Who Wouldn't Go

Entering the world of professional drug testing is a daunting undertaking. First, you must undertake obtaining a degree from a highly competitive, world renowned, 4 year institution. Then, you must learn how to pour pee into little cups without getting any on you. The latter step is all you really will ever need.

Within this high stakes world of professional piss collectors, we have some industry jargon that you should all be familiar with. If say a patient is unable to provide enough pee into said cup, it is demarcated as "QNS" for Quantity Not Sufficient. This is a frequent occurrence, resulting in a speedy dispatch to the waiting room, several glasses of water, some coffee, some more coffee, and soon a burning desire to piss in a cup. Rarely does one record two QNS's in a row.

Enter The Man Who Wouldn't Go. Paruresis. This interesting condition provides a bit of a conundrum to the drug testing world. If you must be observed giving a urine sample... and you have a severe psychological condition which prevents you from going in the real or imaginary presence of others... just what do you do? In TMWWG's case, drink more coffee. 2 hours, 4 cups of coffee, and 8 glasses of water later, along with a guttural moan that sounded like a gorilla orgasming, TMWWG managed the impossible; he peed in a cup. I made sure to write down the exact time and date and sign an affidavit saying I was there to witness it.